


Broken Beyond Repair

by FiliKiliThorinForever



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Brain death, Car Accident, Child Neglect, Dyslexia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Final Goodbyes, Grieving, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Mention of Surgery, Mentions of Suicide, More tags to be added, Past Attempted Suicide, Running Away, life support, mention of underage drug/alcohol use, mentions of self harm, self hatred, time to say goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiliKiliThorinForever/pseuds/FiliKiliThorinForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin has been neglecting Fíli for years without realising it, and now that Fíli appears to be turning down a dangerous path its up to Balin and Dwalin to show Thorin just how badly he's hurt his nephew so they can try and save him before its too late.</p>
<p>Inspired by WerewulfTherewulf (FerrellOConnellMcGee)'s fic Why Must You Be So Blind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Realisation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WerewulfTherewulf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Why must you be so blind?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2122464) by [WerewulfTherewulf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf). 



**A/N: Hello everyone! So as you all read this fic was inspired by WerewulfTherewulf (FerrellOConnellMcGee)'s fic Why Must You Be So Blind? After my story Drifting Apart her and I were in agreeance that there just wasn't enough Fíli angst out there (although its increased a bit so I think we may have started something :P ) so she gifted the fic to me. This is my gift to you now my friend! Seeing as you've had a crap week this week I thought this would be something nice for you to read (even though its sad...)** **Originally it was going to be a single shot but** **I realised this would probably work better as a multi-chapter anyway so I thought I'd post the first chapter for you now :)**

**Now for those who have read the original fic you may notice a bit of variation, like the fact that Thorin has never been aware until now that Fíli is dyslexic. Most of this chapter had been written two or three weeks ago and was completed before some of the more recent chapters. But hey it's fiction and we're allowed to change bits and pieces :P**

**PLEASE! Be aware there will be more tags added that may be triggers, I will outline them next chapter, but just be aware this is not a happy fic and I myself found it hard to write :)**

**Enjoy!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

Thorin huffed in irritation, wishing he had decided to ignore the invite for a drink rather than agree and find himself forced to sit unwillingly through a verbal dressing down for his attitude towards his oldest nephew by his two best friends.

Dwalin had invited him over on the pretence of a relaxing night over a brandy or two, only to have the pair set on him like rabid dogs when he answered their questions about the boys in his usual way; singing praises of Kíli, barely able to contain the spite he held for Fíli. In his opinion the boy was more trouble than he was worth, on more than one occasion he had found himself wishing it had been the blond and not his baby sister who had perished in the fire. At least his sister didn’t look like the worthless scum that had gotten her pregnant.

There was a thump on the oaken table, snapping his attention back to his friends and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the expressions on their faces; Dwalin was positively seething whereas Balin just looked disappointed.

“Yer haven’t listened to a word I’ve said have yer?” Dwalin asked, his voice a furious growl.

“No. I haven’t.” Thorin said impatiently. “I came here under the impression I was in for a good night, not to be shouted at for my parenting skills.”

“Fine!” Dwalin snapped “Seeing as yer weren’t listening, I’ll say it again. Yer behaviour, frankly everything yer do in regards to Fíli is appalling. Why he hasn’t already left or run away by now is beyond me.”

“He has run away, twice I might add.” Thorin said curtly. “The boy is useless, he’s never put any effort in at school, in fact he’s barely scraping by with English which is a core subject let me remind you. If the boy won’t invest his time in his education, if he won’t take it seriously then why should I invest in him?”

Balin shook his head sadly at his friend. He’d known he should have stepped in years ago, taken Fíli out of Thorin’s house and into his own where he could be loved but Fíli had refused. His reason being he didn’t want to leave Kíli behind, but more importantly he didn’t want Kíli to forget him. A childish fear Balin had always thought, but it appeared to be a very real one all the same.

“Have you never once stopped to ask why he might have trouble with his English class?” Balin asked instead, determined to get his friend to see how badly he had mistreated the blond for it had gone on for long enough, and nothing Fíli said would hold him back now.

“It’s called him being lazy-”

“It’s called him being dyslexic.” Balin snapped.

There was a pregnant pause in the room before Thorin spluttered indignantly. “Fíli’s not dyslexic.”

“Yes he is.” Dwalin growled.

“And how would you know?”

“How would yer?” Dwalin countered, a brow raised. Seeing Thorin’s pause he seized the silence. “The boy told Balin that weekend you went away before Kíli’s birthday after they lost their folks, said that every time he tried to tell yer, especially when he was having problems reading right under yer nose yer shut him down and wouldn’t let him explain.”

Thorin’s mouth opened and closed several times before Dwalin charged on.

“Balin told me after yer picked them up, and we went to the school to talk to them about arranging special aide, which we both contributed to for yer information. Arranged a tutor for the kid as we figured yer wouldn’t bother.”

“And because of the aide Fíli’s grades improved.” Balin said matter-of-factly.

Overcoming his temporary shock and annoyance at his friends paying for his useless charge Thorin shook his head and snorted in amusement.

“Clearly the aide couldn’t handle him; his grades fell again after a year with them.

Dwalin dug his fingers into the table to restrain himself from leaping over it and landing a right hook on his friends jaw.

“Thorin.” Balin snapped angrily “the only reason Fíli’s grades fell is because his tutor didn’t return for the summer as they had sick family to take care of. Plus the school got a new principle and somehow his documents, along with a few other students got lost which meant that the new principle wasn’t aware of his need for a tutor, and he had a new teacher who was unaware of his dyslexia. Dwalin and I were overseas for two months before the school finally called and asked us to come in to discuss his grades.”

“Why would they call you?” Thorin asked, furrowing his brow in irritation.

“Because we changed his emergency contact details to our own which meant less pressure on the lad if he didn’t have to be terrified of your reaction. Since the meeting with his school and working with a tutor he’s improved despite several setbacks; he won’t be top of the class for English and probably never will but his grades are high enough for him to pass.”

“Why do you even care about him? The boy is worthless Balin! He always has been and always will be!” Thorin hissed angrily, only to have Balin contradict him once more.

“Worthless?!” Balin spluttered in shock “Fíli is anything but worthless Thorin! He's the top of his art, photography, maths and science classes! He was also the lead in three school plays which I know he never told you or Kíli about, and did them incredibly well despite having difficulty with the scripts! If you had even spared him a glance growing up you would have seen how talented that boy is-”

“He's worthless! Just like his father.” Thorin spat, cutting his friend off before he could sing empty praises of the boy.

Dwalin and Balin stared at Thorin in shock before Balin found his voice.

“So that's what all this has been about?” He asked in a whisper “It’s not Fíli whose the issue, but his father? And because he looks just like him... that's why you've mistreated the lad?!”

“The apple never falls far from the tree Balin, especially when both are rotten.” Thorin growled.

Balin had to physically restrain his brother from leaping at his friend. Although he could stop him physically, he couldn't do so verbally.

“Yer bastard!” Dwalin roared, slamming his fist on the table as he surged to his feet. “Fíli is NOTHING like his father! If yer had even once shown him the same love yer do Kíli yer would see what a kind, talented and loving boy he is! How would yer feel if yer parents had been killed and yer reminded yer guardians of someone they hated?”

The corner of Thorin's lip curled as he snarled at his friends. “This is different-”

“Yer've abused him-” Dwalin spat

“No I haven’t!” Thorin yelled, getting to his feet and slamming his fist on the table.

“Yes yer have, every rejection, every cruel word has been like physically hitting him-”

“I'M NOT HIS FATHER!”

“NEITHER IS HE!”

Dead silence followed Dwalin’s outburst as the two friends stared each other down, chests heaving in anger.

Balin looked between the two friends before speaking quietly.

“Thorin what would Dís say if she saw how you’ve treated him? She never loved him less because of his looks, and he was a victim to his father as much as she was. Or have you forgotten that he had more bruises than not when they arrived on your doorstep?”

Thorin only glared at him in response so he continued on. “She’d never speak to you again-”

“Dís wouldn’t have ignored me.” Thorin cut in

“Yes she would have” Balin snapped. "She’d have taken them both and never looked back. You’ve made the boy suffer for something that was outside his control. You’ve acted just like his father.”

Thorin sat there staring at his friends, silent with Balin’s accusations ringing in his ears. Mentally he vehemently denied everything that Balin was saying; he’d never laid a hand against the boy. Sure he had been rough one or two times but never had he harmed him physically.

But every spiteful, horrid thought about the boy and his friends backing him up caused the seed of doubt to grow stronger in his mind; did just because he hadn’t laid a hand against the blond mean he was completely innocent? Had he really abused the boy mentally in a way even his own father had not?

Thorin forced himself to look at the boy from an outsider’s view, a difficult task but one he managed to do none the less. On the outside was a blond teenager nearing adulthood whose genes he’d had no control over; just like his heritage. On the inside though when he rarely got to see it was a boy who cared for his brother, was polite and respectful (although that may not have been by choice) and always put others before himself, not a selfish, violent child he had created in his mind. Thinking back over the years since he had gotten the boys he realised that whilst he hadn’t laid a hand on the boy for punishment, he hadn’t even laid a hand on the boy lovingly. He realised with growing horror that every word, every action against his oldest nephew had never been in a loving way, instead it was cruel, scathing and insulting even if it was done unknowingly and he now knew it was the reason Fíli cringed whenever he came near, refused to look at him unless forced and spoke rarely in his presence.

Thorin thought he might be sick.

“What have I done?” He whispered to himself, collapsing into his seat with a shocked look on his face.

Dwalin and Balin watched with relief as realisation dawned on Thorin over what he had done to Fíli, thankfully their interference hadn’t fallen on deaf ears and they had a chance of saving the blond before it was too late.

“I’ve hurt him haven’t I?” Thorin whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as he refused to let any tears fall knowing he wasn't the one who deserved sympathy.

“No Thorin yer haven’t hurt him, yer’ve broken him.” Dwalin said quietly, calmer now that Thorin saw what they did.

“Do you think I can fix it? Fix what I've done?” Thorin asked hoarsely as he looked at his friends for some kind of hope.

Balin shook his head regrettably. “No, you’ve pushed him too far away. Perhaps in time he will accept your apologies, but he’ll never consider you family. The damage is done I'm afraid.”

Thorin buried has face in his hands as he tried to cope with the emotions surging through him; grief, disgust at himself, regret for his actions, fear for how he should deal with it, sadness at the thought of a little boy having to grow up unloved and alone.

“You know the only reason he didn’t alert the authorities all these years is because he wanted Kíli to be happy; and Kíli was happy with you. Many teachers have guessed as to what was happening over the years, they even brought us in when a counsellor spoke to him but he denied mistreatment and there were never any physical signs for them to back up their suspicions. He was terrified of angering you but more so terrified that he and Kíli would be separated and never see each other again.” Balin said quietly. He didn't say it to make Thorin feel better, on the contrary it was to show him how many others had noticed and how bad it had gotten.

“Why now?” Thorin asked as he raised his head and looked at the pair imploringly with grief-filled eyes. “Why come to me now Balin? Why not years ago when I could have fixed this? When I had a chance to make up for my mistakes?”

“Because as much as we've wanted to wring your neck for how you've mistreated him, honouring his trust is more important. He said himself that aside from Kíli we are the only two he trusts. Yes we could have stopped it years ago but we'd never gain his trust back, and that boy needs someone he can rely on.” Balin looked at his brother nervously only to receive a nod to continue on.

“But the situation has changed Thorin-”

“How so?” Thorin interrupted with a frown.

“The only reason we decided to say anything tonight is because he left his art book open on the table yesterday and he... his art is becoming darker, more twisted and hateful towards himself. Thorin I-” Balin took a deep breath before continuing on

“I think he wants to give up.”

Thorin looked blankly at his friends as what Balin said sunk in slowly. When realised what Balin was implying his mouth fell open in shock. “No. No your wrong,” he said slowly “he wouldn't try something like that, he wouldn’t do that to Kíli.”

“Thorin, Fíli has tried it before remember? And that was back when Kíli still clung to him, afraid he’d disappear. Now Kíli has his own friends, Fíli was saying he hadn't spoken to him in two weeks as he is always out with his mates.” Dwalin said quietly.

Thorin sat there processing what he'd been told. Truth be told he hadn't even realised the brothers hadn't seen each other for so long, Kíli was out every night and up until tonight he tried to believe that the blond didn't exist, regardless of him locking himself in his room. To think that Fíli had gotten so –

Thorin’s eyes widened in horror and he leapt from his seat, staring at his friends as his mouth tried to find the words to convey his sudden realisation.

“Thorin?” Balin asked slowly with furrowed brows “what's the-”  
  
“Fíli’s home alone tonight! If he's getting as bad as you think...” He trailed off into silence. Nobody moved or made a noise for several seconds, just looking between each other in fear.

“Shit.” Was all that was muttered as the trio scrambled to the car.


	2. Broken and Alone

**A/N: Hello everyone!**

**PLEASE NOTE!!!! Tags have been updated so please please please! Check them before carrying on. If they're likely to be a trigger I'd rather you didn't read it to be safe, or if you do it's all in the past as memories so keep that in mind!  Tags added are: Past attempted suicide, Mentions of self harm, self hatred, mention of underage drug/alcohol use, loneliness**.

**Now that's out of the way, thought I'd just post this next part before bed as I'm bored and haven't got any new updates to read, so a few of you are undoubtedly in the same boat so here's something for you. Poor Fili really gets dragged through the wringer in this story. I'm a horrible person so I do apologize, hopefully things will get better.**

**Also the mention of dyslexia I make (you'll know it when you see it), may not be accurate. I don't know anyone whose dyslexic (although I swear I have verbal dyslexia as my words tend to come out in the wrong order which gets me a few odd looks -.-) however this is fiction and I know dyslexia is different for everyone, so for the sake of this story, Fili is well within his rights to use this as an excuse.**

**A special thanks to[kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf (FerrellOConnellMcGee)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FerrellOConnellMcGee) as well as the 13 guests who've commented or kudosed, you guys are awesome!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

A lone figure walked down the darkened street with their head bowed, shoulders hunching slightly as a soft wind blew down the road. Fíli pulled his black hood further down to cover his face more before his hand snaked its way back into his jeans pocket. He didn’t want to be fetching his brother at this time of the night; well in fact, he didn’t really want to be doing it full stop.

Sure it was only 8:30pm, and if Kíli insisted on hanging out with his new group of friends then so be it, but the fact that his little brother who was only thirteen and in his first year of high school (compared to his own last) decided he had to hang out with his fifteen and sixteen year old team mates from his first eleven rugby team meant that he also got access to alcohol and the occasional recreational drug, something Fíli knew with certainty Thorin knew absolutely _nothing_ about, and it now fell to him to get his brother out of there and sobered up before Thorin got home. Yay.

Of course Fíli had never been completely sure until tonight this was going on as Kíli had only gotten into the team two weeks ago; the coach had seen his talent when he was mucking around with some friends and had signed him up almost on the spot. Two weeks ago Kíli had gotten into the team, and two weeks ago was the last time Fíli had seen his brother who was out every night at training and had started taking the bus in the mornings with the rest of his mates rather than walking like he used to with his brother.

Fíli stopped underneath a street light and looked up at the stars with a sigh, a single golden lock slipping from behind his ear and across his face. Star gazing was something he and his mother used to do before she died, before Kíli had come along and when his biological father was out getting plastered. He missed watching them for hours on end, feeling like he could get lost in them forever.

He missed her.

A single tear escaped from a pale blue eye and he wiped it aware irritably, causing the black sleeve of his hoodie to slip further up his arm and reveal his freshly bandaged wrists. His nose flared in disgust at the sight and he hastily pulled his sleeves down before plunging his hands angrily inside his pockets and turning his back to the stars to continue on to his destination.

Gone were the days that used to be so easy and full of love, five short years with his mother over-ruled the sparse time his father was there as the only time his hands went anywhere near him was to hit him. Those five years with his mother were the best five years of his life, and so were the years after Kíli arrived. At least until his mum and stepdad, Kíli’s biological father, had died. The morning they died was the last time someone other than Kíli had hugged him. Now his days were spent avoiding Thorin where possible and picking stupid little brothers up from parties that they really shouldn’t be at, and would probably still be at for a long while if said stupid brother’s phone hadn’t been grabbed by a friend and sent a video of Kíli drinking to him.

Fíli let out a huff; he was over it. Over Kíli and his new friends, over Thorin, over school, over the few friends he had, over everything and if he were honest; he just wanted out. It wasn’t like he wanted to die as such; he’d tried that once only to have it backfire spectacularly on him when at fourteen he’d taken triple the amount of headache medication one would normally take before chasing them down with a bottle of vodka he’d obtained from a student at school and, lying in the shower tub, he’d turned the taps on and hoped it wouldn’t be Kíli who found him. He had hoped that Thorin would tell his ten year old brother that’d he’d slipped in the shower or something kinder rather than the ugly truth.

Unfortunately what he hadn’t known was that they had still been in the house when he’d climbed into the shower and Thorin had sent Kíli up to tell him they were going out for a while when he started convulsing in the tub.

One hysterical Kíli, someone’s fingers down his throat and a hospital visit later where _“I’m dyslexic doctor, how was I supposed to attempt to focus on reading a pill bottle with a splitting headache and know that what a student gave me was alcohol when I’ve never heard of or seen the word ‘Vodka’ before_ ” he had been released into the care of an inconsolable little brother and a furious Uncle with a determination never to try something so foolish again where his brother might find him.

No he was over it as in he wanted to get out, away from an unloving Uncle where he could attempt to make his life better, where he could start over completely and if in the end nothing changed he could end things on his terms without his brother there to stop him.

But for now he had to collect Kíli from this party so Thorin wouldn’t find out just what his ‘perfect’ nephew had been getting up to recently. Fíli knew there would be insults thrown at him the moment he arrived, after all he was wearing his black skinny jeans and black hoodie that people teased him for even though they concealed his face and body in order to hide how sickly he was looking these days, and between the insults and jeers he had to try and remove his brother from all his friends without making him look ‘uncool’, for Kíli surely wouldn’t appreciate his reputation being ruined by his big brother.

 

* * *

 

Fíli came to a stop outside the house Kíli was currently inside, letting out a weary sigh before opening the gate and walking towards the front door. All the windows were shut and the curtains drawn yet the light and the muffled music is what assured him his brother was here, even though Ori, Kíli’s best friend had assured him when asked that it was the right address.

Fíli stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath before knocking loudly, keeping his head bowed and noting with relief that the music was instantly turned down. The door opened and a blond jock’s head peered through the gap before he threw the door wide open with a sneer.

“Well look who we have here boys,” Legolas Greenleaf, the captain of the rugby team sneered with a feral smile playing on his lips. “The big brother of our newest recruit.”

Fíli refused to look up. He knew what expression would be on the captain’s face and those of his team mates who had gathered around the door.

“If you could fetch Kíli please?” Fíli asked a neutral tone, keeping his gazed fixed on the floor just ahead of him.

Legolas scoffed in amusement “and why would we fetch him? He’s one of us now and there’s nothing you can do about it you freak.”

That did Fíli in.

His head snapped up and he drew himself up to his full height, thankful he wasn’t shorter than the blond in front of him as he levelled them all with a look so fierce they actually took a step back in shock. Never before had they seen this side of the normally awkward blond who rarely spoke to anyone.

Fíli’s lip curled as he snarled at the jocks in front of him. “I may not be able to do anything to you; however Thorin is a different matter. You’re supplying liquor to a minor and if he finds out you can kiss your futures goodbye because I can tell you now, your photo’s won’t be with the All Blacks team five years down the line, they’ll be your mug shots as you crawl around the streets looking for scraps like the brainless dogs you are. I have no interest in involving the police, however if my brother isn’t in front of me in the next twenty seconds the video that was sent to me will be given to Thorin along with a list of the names of everyone here. ”

Fíli watched with a smirk as several of the jocks disappeared to fetch his brother. He could take a lot from people but the one thing that pissed him off was being called a freak by anyone other than himself. He knew he was messed up but refused to allow anyone else to get away with calling him names to his face, particularly that.

Everyone in the house had gone silent as Legolas and Fíli glared at each other, not wanting to interrupt or draw attention to themselves in case Fíli decided to follow through with his threat. In no time at all Kíli appeared next to Legolas with a lopsided grin on his face as he looked dazedly at his brother.

“Fíli!” He said happily, only to have his smile falter when his brother looked away from Legolas and at him instead.

Fíli stepped to the side, fixing his brother with a hard stare and with a guilty sigh Kíli stepped out of the house, taking his bag off of one of his friends as he went. He could see Fíli was angry with him and, not wanting to infuriate him anymore he left quietly.

“See you guys tomorrow.” He said quietly over his shoulder before walking down the path when Fíli pushed him away from the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately talk about suicide, self harm and self hatred is a touchy subject for many of us, and is often hard for many of us to get our heads around why people would do it. Sometimes those contemplating it feel like they're alone in the world or in their struggles, yet all they want is someone to smile and acknowledge them, make them feel like they matter to someone even if it's only for a moment. A smile or a simple good morning is effortless and free, but its value is incredible. So the next time you walk past someone, or sit next to someone on the bus or train regardless of whether they look happy or sad just give them a smile, you might just make their day and give them the hope that they need.
> 
> Also just because I wrote about it, I do not agree with underage drinking or drug use of any kind. (In case someone gets it in their head I do).


	3. The Metallic Kiss

**A/N: Hello everyone! Woohoo! No more school for a week and a half!! So stoked! So that means I'll be relaxing, working on my stories and catching up with people when I fly home! Seeing as I finished this afternoon I've been working on this for a few hours to try and get the story out of the way, almost finished writing it so hopefully you'll get the last few chapters soon. This is only a short chapter but I feel as though there isn't much I can add to this despite my best efforts, but it stays with the action the whole time so hopefully that makes up for it :D**

**I've also set up a tumblr account (thanks to the help of LittlestSecret) so feel free to drop by to say hi, leave comments, or prompts. I'll be posting previews of chapters on there for people so if you want a sneak peak then head there :) also Pabu and LittlestSecret's drawings have inspired me to try my hand at drawing once again, it's been a few years but there are heaps of parts of my stories I'd love to illustrate so might look at some tutorials whilst I'm home :D**

**(the[link](http://filikilithorinforever.tumblr.com/) to my tumblr)**

**A shout out to[MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf (FerrellOConnellMcGee)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FerrellOConnellMcGee) as well as the 20 guests who commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

 

The pair walked home quietly, Kíli occasionally turning around trying to apologise only to have Fíli stop him by pushing him forward every time.

“Fíli I’m sorry-”

“Save it Kíli.”

“But Fíli-”

“I said save it. I don’t care if you’re sorry” Fíli growled. “Hanging out with them, drinking and doing drugs; it’s dangerous Kíli, especially at your age. I thought you knew better than that! Now I have to get you home and sobered up before Thorin gets back and blames me for you being in this state. God knows it won't be your fault.”

They had arrived outside their house when Kíli rounded on his brother.

“You know what Fíli? Fuck you!” He hissed angrily. “Why do you have to be so selfish and make this all about you? Just because I’m the one who has made new friends when you’re the one who insists on being a recluse as you’re incapable of making friends yourself!”

Fíli looked at his brother incredulously. “Me?! Selfish? I’m sorry but who is the one who’s never had to ask for anything a day in his life? Who is the one who was taken to Disneyland and Hawaii when I was told I had to go to ‘summer school’ because I was ten years old and struggling with reading?!”

“Oh for fuck sake Fíli! Get over yourself!” Kíli yelled, stepping backwards onto the road as he flung his arms out wide. “My name is Fíli and I missed out on going to Disneyland when I was a kid. Oh woe is me!” Kíli cried sarcastically.

Fili glowered at his brother but held his tongue, reminding himself that his brother was drunk and likely under the influence of some form of drug so arguing with him in his current state was pointless. Being responsible and concerned for where his brother was standing Fili forced himself to speak calmly. “Get off the road Kili.”

“Or what?” Kíli sneered in reply. “Thorin’s going to blame you for me being reckless too?”

“Get. Off. The. Road.”

“No Fíli! Not until you admit that you're being a drama queen about this! Acting as though you've been mistreated your whole life! I might be drunk but at least I’m not the one who’s screwed in the head!”

Fíli's mouth fell open in hurt, his barely contained temper flaring into an inferno. “Are you fucking kidding me?! Tell me, when was the last time Thorin said anything kind to me? Gave me a pat on the back or even a smile?! Huh? You’re not the one who’s been treated like your worthless your whole life Kíli, and you’re certainly not the one who looks like the bastard who beat me and mum when I was a baby!”

A car turned into the street at that moment and came barrelling towards them.

“You are so full of shit Fíli! That’s bullshit and you know it! Thorin’s never treated you like crap you’re lying!”

“Get off the road Kíli” Fíli said, looking between his brother and the car which didn't appear to be slowing down.

“No! Admit it! Admit you’re making shit up because you want someone to feel sorry for you!”

“Kíli-”

“He'll fucking go around me!”

“Get off the road!” Fíli yelled terrified as he glanced at the oncoming car. The car wasn't slowing down and was heading right for his little brother.

“MAKE ME!”

Fíli surged forward as the car bore down on them. He placed both palms on his brother’s chest he shoved Kíli harshly, sending him toppling onto the other side of the road into the clear.

Fíli just had enough time to see the driver look up, the light of his phone reflecting on his horrified face before the car ploughed into him, and only one word passed through his mind as metal collided with his body sending him tumbling over the roof of the car.

“Finally.”


	4. If I Could Take It Back

**A/N: Hello again everyone! As promised the next chapter, woohoo! :D Now I actually have a soundtrack for this it's "[Taylor Davis - Misty Mountain's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD-HBDC6YtA)" This starts at the second paragraph and repeats until the end. Absolutely LOVE this track, it's a complete violin rendition and its beautiful! Anyway its what I was imagining in the background of all this going on, so sorry if it causes a few tears.**

**I'm a cruel human being playing with everyone's emotions so i do apologise, but guess what...? I"M DOING IT AGAIN!! Mwahahaha!**

**Without ruining it, a special shout out to[Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf (FerrellOConnellMcGee)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FerrellOConnellMcGee) as well as the 26 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

 

The smell of burning rubber flooded the street as the area went eerily silent. Near the side of the road Kíli lay on his back, gasping in shock whilst he blinked rapidly in an attempt to focus on the starlit sky above him after smacking his head none to gently on the road when he was pushed. Despite the pain his mind was shockingly clear, it was as though the anger and adrenaline had caused the alcohol to evaporate from his system and left him sharp to what was going on around him. Turning his head slowly to the right, aware of his injuries he spotted the car involved half on the curb with its bonnet pushed in slightly where it hit a small tree.

Satisfied the driver was unlikely to be too badly hurt Kíli managed to turn his head slowly to the left and peered down his torso, his eyes widening in fear and his breath hitching at the sight before him. Fíli was lying on his side, his back to him and he wasn’t moving.

“Fíli” Kíli called out; voice little more than a whisper. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and tried again.

“Fíli?”

His brother didn’t respond to the hoarse whispers of his name so Kíli rolled onto his front and managed to push himself up onto his hands and knees, wincing at the pain that shot through his back and the wave of nausea that washed through him once more. The driver’s door opened catching his attention briefly where he saw a young teenager climb out, a hand held against a gash on his forehead and saying something that sounded like ‘ambulance’ for which Kíli was grateful.

Slowly and unsteadily Kíli managed to crawl his way over to his brother until he was directly behind him, and, placing a gentle hand on the blonds shoulder he rolled Fíli towards him.

Kíli let out a whimper at how boneless his brother was beneath his hands as his head rolled listlessly when his back touched the road and Kíli had to force himself to bite back a sob when he saw how one side of Fíli’s face had been shredded by the tar. Placing one hand on his brother’s neck he used the other to tap the uninjured side of his face gently.

“Fíli? Hey Fíli its ok, you’re ok. Fee?” Still no response from the blond had him moving one hand to his shoulder and the other hand to cup the back of his brothers head, planning to shift him onto his lap when the feeling of something warm and wet had him withdraw his fingers quickly from the back of Fíli’s head to examine them in the poor street lighting.

A cross between a strangled laugh and a sob tore its way from the brunet’s throat at the sight of the crimson liquid coating his fingers.

“Help! Somebody help me! HELP!” Kíli screamed into the night before scooping his brother up and cradling him against him. He shoved his fingers against his brother’s throat in an attempt to find a pulse, but wasn’t sure if it was due to the trembling in his hands that he couldn’t feel anything.

The doors of houses all around them burst open as people flew outside to see what the commotion was as Kíli cried “Don’t leave me Fíli! Please! FÍLI WAKE UP!”

A young woman raced over, tearing her dressing gown off as she yelled for someone to dial 111. Thankfully it wasn’t too cold out so the shorts and t-shirt she’d been wearing underneath were warm enough for her as she used her dressing gown to cover the unconscious blond.

“Sweetheart my name is Tauriel, do you remember me? I’m a nurse and going to help you ok?” Tauriel said soothingly. “We need to lay your brother back on the ground.”

Large, watery brown eyes looked at her briefly before Kíli started shaking his head rapidly and tightening his hold on his brother. Fíli wasn’t waking up and he refused to let him go until he did.

Tauriel had already assessed the situation the moment her feet touched her stairs; the screeching, a car crashed into a tree and two people in the middle of the road had been enough of an indicator that someone had been hit by the vehicle. “Kíli” she said firmly “Kíli I need you to look at me ok?” She waited until Kíli looked at her before talking evenly and calmly to him.

“Kíli we need to put your brother on the ground as carefully and straight as we can. We don’t know if he’s broken any bones and holding him up the way you are could make minor injuries worse. I’m going to hold the back of his neck so we can lower him and keep him as still as possible until an ambulance arrives alright?” She didn’t want to mention that his moving Fíli may have caused permanent damage if there already was some; she couldn’t place that sort of guilt on a child’s shoulders.

Kíli swallowed several times, eventually nodding when his voice failed him.

“Good boy. Now stay perfectly still until I tell you to move.” When Kíli nodded his acknowledgement Tauriel got as close to Fíli as she could and gently slid her hands underneath the blond hair until her hands were on either side of Fíli’s neck. Once her hands were in place she used her fingers and palms to hold the bottom of his skull and neck securely so they wouldn’t bend or move any more than what they had already.

After instructing Kíli to place his hands underneath his brothers shoulders Kíli gently slid his legs out from underneath his Fíli’s head and on the count of three the pair lowered him to the ground. She congratulated Kíli on getting him down well and proceeded to assess Fíli, calling out for an ETA on the ambulance and to her relief it was only a couple of minutes away.

Her flat mate and nurse in training Bard came running over to see if she needed any help for which she was grateful. Using her eyes she looked at him pointedly before looking at Kíli and tilting her head away. Bard nodded, understanding the message loud and clear. _‘Get him away so I can check him properly.’_

Bard checked Kíli’s hands to make sure he wasn’t holding onto his brother before pulling him up and away from Fíli gently, telling him that it was only temporary and he’d be back beside his brother soon. But Bard’s words seemed to fall on deaf ears and it was only when the nurse passed Kíli off to another neighbour that Kíli shook himself out of his stupor, trying to move back to his brother’s side only to find arms holding him in place and away from where he wanted to be.

Bard moved back to Tauriel’s side quickly once he was sure that the now thrashing teenager wasn’t getting free from the hold several people had him in and swallowed at the look on her face.

“What is it?” He asked quietly, wincing at the hysterical yell Kíli gave whilst he continued to struggle.

“Fíli! Fíli please don’t leave me! I’m sorry for what I said; I didn’t mean it I swear! I need you Fee! Please!” Kíli cried out, trying to push away the arms holding him back with little success.

“The ambulance needs to get here quickly, we’re losing him. He has a pulse but it’s barely there and we’re going to lose control of the situation completely if we have to start CPR with Kíli around.” Tauriel whispered to Bard, her fingers moving back to Fíli’s throat to keep an eye on his pulse.

To her horror she felt it flutter feebly three more times before going still, just as the ambulance appeared around the corner heading straight for them.

“Oh God” Tauriel choked out before diving straight into CPR. She’d save Fíli,

She had too.


	5. Actions Do Have Consequences

**A/N: Hello everyone! OMG I love you all! Your comments have honestly kept me grinning whilst writing this and I'm SO CLOSE TO FINISHING!!! AHHHHH!!! Lol it's so hard because I have so much to do whilst home but I think I'm going to lock myself away in a room tonight and finish it so I can focus on my other story O.o**

**Once again another short chapter but we're getting near the end so hang in there, it'll get exciting! And as I've recommended, locate a Fili in preparation to hold onto... not right now but soon  
**

**A special shout out to[ninetiesnecklace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetiesnecklace), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Soniax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Soniax), [Schurmann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Schurmann), [sky_NoLimit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_NoLimit), [Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf) as well as 30 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!! :D**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

 

Dwalin’s car screamed around the corner into Thorin’s street. Thorin’s knuckles white from grasping his knees tightly as he tried to sort out the chaos in his mind. They had to get to Fíli; they had to make sure the blond wasn’t planning on doing something stupid so he could set the ground work to fix their shattered relationship.

His heart sunk as he saw a crowd in the middle of the street, near his home with an ambulance and police car lights reflecting off the windows of the surrounding houses. Dwalin swore and skidded to a stop, the car had barely stopped before Thorin and Balin threw their doors open and tumbled out of the car.

Any hope that Thorin had that the presence of the emergency services was just a coincidence burst into flames when he heard Kíli crying out. Only once had he ever heard his nephew sound so terrified, so upset and his worst fears were confirmed when he was able to make out what the boy was screaming.

“NO! NO FÍLI DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME! FIGHT FÍLI! DON’T DIE, OH GOD FÍLI PLEASE DON’T DIE!”

Kíli’s cries had the three racing towards his voice where they could make out two officers holding him back, stopping him from interfering with the medics whilst trying to calm him down. The crowd parted at the running footsteps and a police officer appeared in their path, a hand held out to stop them from going any further.

“Sir you can’t get past-”

Thorin, Balin and Dwalin now in the front managed to spot the pooling golden hair that stood out in contrast to the road, before it disappeared again underneath a mass of medics.

“Clear!” A paramedic yelled and Thorin had to swallow back the bile that rose when he heard the dull thud of the electric charge delivered.

“Sir please!” Thorin begged desperately, refocusing on the young officer in front of him. “That’s my nephew, they’re both my nephews! Please you must let me through!”

The young officer looked at him sternly, as though trying to establish whether he was telling the truth or not before nodding and moving aside reluctantly.

“Kíli,” Thorin called worriedly as he hurried over. “Kíli are you hurt?”

Whatever reaction Thorin was expecting, it certainly wasn’t the one he received. Kíli turned towards him, hair wild, red rimmed eyes and a feral look on his face.

“You!” He yelled, breaking free of the loosened grips of the officers to fly at his Uncle, his right fist connecting heavily with his face sending him reeling. Thorin cupped his cheek in shock and was thankful that Dwalin had leapt forwards and grabbed the teenager around the waist to stop him from landing another blow.

“You! This is all your fault!” Kíli yelled as he thrashed in Dwalin’s arms, not once breaking eye contact with his uncle. “How could you do this Fíli?! How could you pretend like he hasn’t existed for the past 13 years, like he was just a waste of space?! You’ve ruined his life; everything that he’s ever tried to do to hurt himself is your fault!” Kíli stopped his thrashing, breathing heavily as he glared at his Uncle.

“If he dies, it’s on you.” He said in a quiet voice.


	6. Our Internal Blame

**A/N: Hello everyone! Blimey this is a rollercoaster of a story! Even I'm having a hard time reading it let alone writing it so I apologise for all the pain that I'm putting everyone through! We're almost at the end (I think I said that last time) but I promise that I'm telling the truth this time, there's about 3 chapters left to go O.o**

**This chapter should give all your hearts a break, at least for a little while and it's a nice long chapter to make up for the short ones so I hope you enjoy :)**

**Special thanks to[ninetiesnecklace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetiesnecklace), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Soniax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Soniax), [Schurmann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Schurmann), [sky_NoLimit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_NoLimit), [Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf) as well as 34 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!!!!**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

The ride to the hospital was silent and tense; none of them had been allowed to go in the ambulance with Fíli as a paramedic said that Tauriel was required to assist them, when really the paramedics knew that any of them would just get in the way and hinder their efforts to save the young blond. The police had insisted on getting Kíli’s statement before they followed the ambulance but one look at the murderous looking youth who had been denied going with his brother had them backtracking and promising to talk to them at the hospital when he was calmer.

Thorin couldn’t help but glance through the rear view mirror at Kíli in the back, his heart aching at what he saw. Kíli was glaring out the windows, street lights reflecting off the tears spilling silently down his cheeks and his mouth pressed together in a thin line in an attempt to keep the noises in; his nephew was suffering and it was his fault. He turned his gaze from the mirror with a quiet sigh, ignoring Dwalins glance in favour of staring out his own window to try and calm the internal storm, to try and come up with a way of making it up to Fíli when he was conscious. There was a lot to atone for; the years of mental trauma he had caused his oldest nephew and he knew with a sinking heart that no matter what he said or did Fíli would never forgive him, at least not completely. He couldn’t understand why Dwalin and Balin had never said anything when Fíli was younger, when they had clearly seen what he had not after first getting the boys. It would have stopped all this pain, given Fíli a completely different life. In a way it was their fault for not stopping him in the first place.

No it wasn’t.

Thorin would’ve slapped himself if the atmosphere wasn’t so tense. It should never have fallen on his friends to tell him what he should have already known because his disgusting treatment of Fíli should never have occurred in the first place.

The blame was on him; and him alone.

They pulled into the hospital car park and climbed out of the car, the crisp night air blowing on them gently as though trying to caress and take the pain from their hearts. Kíli didn’t stop to relish the breeze or the many stars twinkling unfazed above them, he only had one destination in mind as he ran to the hospital entrance with the others hot on his heels.

Bursting through the entrance Kíli looked around wildly for the help desk, and spotting it almost immediately he hurried over. Luckily it seemed to be relatively quiet for that time of night so they had no trouble making their way over to the desk nor did they have to wait for their turn. The lady behind it, a portly middle aged lady with greying hair and a kind smile looked up at them when they stopped in front of her.

“How can I help?” She asked kindly, fingers poised above the keyboard and ready to search.

“My nephew Fíli was just brought in,” Thorin said quickly, cutting Kíli off who’d opened his mouth to speak, as he knew Kíli was close to breaking down and wanted to make it easier on him. Unfortunately the furious glare Kíli shot him told him Kíli believed he had no right to talk for him or say he had a familial tie to his brother.

“What's his last name?” The nurse asked, oblivious to the tension in the group.

“Fíli Oakenshield.” Thorin said turning away from Kíli to focus on her instead.

With a nod the nurse began searching the computer for details on their missing family member. After several moments she began muttering as the information popped up on the screen.

“Oakenshield, Oakenshield... car accident... eighteen years old... ah here, ok he's being prepped for surgery,” the nurse said looking back at the group.

“Surgery?” Kíli asked weakly, all the blood draining from his face.

“Yes dear,” the nurse confirmed gently. She picked up a clipboard and handed it to Thorin who took it with shaking hands. “I need you to fill this out for our records so take a seat and I’ll page one of the doctors assigned to his case and they’ll be able to give you more information about what’s going on.”

Thorin nodded before moving to the relatively empty waiting room. Thorin, Dwalin and Balin sat down and somewhat unsurprisingly Kíli went and sat on the opposite side of the hall, glaring at his uncle and not saying a word.

Thorin glanced at Kíli and sighed before focussing on the paperwork in front of him, but realised quickly that there was only a small portion of the form he could fill out confidently, the rest such as blood type, height, weight, allergies and date of birth were things he could only guess at, and they were just more things to add to the list of self-loathing he had.

Balin noticed Thorin struggling with the paperwork and with a sigh took the clip board and began filling it out himself. Thorin kept his gaze fixed on the floor when Kíli let out what sounded like a strangled growl; he hadn’t missed the fact his Uncle knew hardly anything about his brother.

After the paperwork had been filled out and Thorin had signed the bottom they handed it back to the nurse who said the doctor would be out shortly to speak with them, and with nothing else to do but wait they retook their seats and waited anxiously for news. Eventually an elderly gentleman came out from behind closed doors to speak to the nurse who waved him in their direction.

“Thorin Oakenshield?” The doctor asked when he approached, all four men jumping to their feet when he stopped near them.

“That’s me” Thorin said with a nod.

The doctor nodded and waved at the seats. “Please take a seat,” he said kindly. Once they were seated he sat next to Thorin and looked at the group. “My name is Dr Gandalf Stormcrow and I’m the one in charge of Fíli’s case.”

“How is he?” Dwalin asked.

“Not good I’m afraid,” Gandalf admitted. “He’s being prepped for surgery as we speak so I’ll be going there in a moment. So far it appears he has several broken bones and possible internal bleeding, however what concerns me the most is the blow he took to the head. As I’m sure you’re all aware head injuries are never a good thing so once we get him stabilised we’ll be sending him off for an MRI to check there’s no bleeding or swelling there.”

Thorin glanced at Kíli to see how he was handling the news and wished that things weren’t on shaky ground between them so he could comfort his nephew. Kíli’s chin was trembling and his chocolate brown eyes were full of tears as he stared at the doctor whilst the words sunk in.

This was the part about the job that Gandalf hated, telling families the situation their loved ones were in, especially when things weren’t looking too good. What made these types of situations worse was when there were other children around, especially siblings who were old enough to understand the problems but still too young to grasp how dire the situation could become.

Gandalf’s pager buzzed and he checked it before standing. “Alrighty they’re almost ready for me. This may take a while so I’ll speak to the nurse, get her to arrange a room for you to wait in so you might be more comfortable, excuse me.”

The moment Gandalf left for the nurses station Kíli took off down the hall. Thorin made to follow him but was stayed by a hand on his arm.

“I’ll get the lad, yer the last one he’ll want to talk to right now.” Dwalin said quietly before following after the brunet.

“Mr Oakenshield?” The nurse called and waved them over when they looked at her. Thorin and Balin moved to her desk and nodded a greeting to a male nurse that was standing behind her.

“Per Dr Stormcrow’s orders we’ve assigned your nephew to an ICU room for the time being, Oin here will show you the way. You’ll need passes to get into that area so these are yours.” She handed Thorin four passes and Thorin took them gratefully.

“Any chance we can wait a few moments?” Balin asked “only two of our group have gone off for a breather.”

“No problem sir, although perhaps it’s best you fetch them now before I’m called away and you have to try and navigate your way through the hospital by yourself.” Oin said with a smile.

Balin nodded in agreement “I’ll go fetch them Thorin, you wait here.” He said before making his way down where they both had disappeared.

 

* * *

 

Dwalin found Kíli leaning against a large window overlooking a garden, head tilted up towards the stars that were twinkling merrily back at him. Dwalin stood behind him with his arms folded and waited silently, wondering what was going through the youngsters head.

“It’s my fault” Kíli said quietly without looking away from the stars.  
  
“What is?” Dwalin asked equally quiet.

“Fee being here, for getting hurt.”

“How could any of this be your fault lad? Did you push him in front of the car?”

Kíli snorted quietly. “No, he pushed me.”

“Huh?” Dwalin asked with a frown. How could Fíli be in the hospital if he’s the one who had pushed Kíli?

“We were arguing.” Kíli said quietly, turning to look at Dwalin finally. “He was trying to tell me that Thorin had been abusing him since we started living with him. I wasn’t listening; I didn’t want to listen because how could it be true? How could the man that I’ve looked up to for so long be the reason for my brothers suffering? I was standing on the road and Fíli told me to get back on the path. I wouldn’t listen. Then a car came and he kept asking me to get off the road but I was being stubborn then the next thing I know he’s in front of me, pushing me onto the other side of the road then there’s a squealing of tires and a series of thuds before a crash.”

Tears were streaming down Kíli’s face now as he trembled all over.

“And it’s my fault! If I hadn’t gone to that party, if I hadn’t been stubborn and had just listened to him and gotten back on the bloody path then Fee wouldn’t be here and he wouldn’t b-be...” Kíli let out a gasp just as Dwalin wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug, allowing the brunets tears to flow freely. Kíli clutched at Dwalin and sobbed uncontrollably, all the pent up tears and emotions from the last hour pouring out from his aching heart the only way he knew how, because no matter what anyone said Kíli would forever blame himself for Fíli being injured.

Dwalin felt his phone vibrate but decided that whoever it was would have to wait as the brunet was more important for the time being. He ran a soothing hand up and down Kíli’s back, not bothering with soothing noises as he knew that the youth needed to let his emotions loose.

Kíli’s crying echoed through the empty corridors, and it was the noise that allowed Balin to find them. Balin sighed softly before approaching them and laid a gentle hand on Kíli’s head when he got near.

“What’s going on?” Dwalin asked as Kíli lifted his head to peer through tear streaked eyes at his friend.

“A nurse is ready to take us through to Fíli’s room. It’ll be best if we go as a group so we can find it with help rather than navigating the hospital by ourselves.” Balin said gently, giving Kíli a soft smile.

Kíli took a deep breath and pulled away from Dwalin, scrubbing his eyes harshly. “Alright,” he said hoarsely “let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

The three made their way back to the nurse’s station and met up with Thorin and Oin. Thorin wanted more than anything to reach out and wrap his nephew in his arms when he saw how broken and young he looked after running off, but he figured Kíli’s emotions were likely to still be running strong and any affection from him would probably be unwelcome.

Instead he settled with a small understanding smile which to his surprise Kíli returned, albeit tiredly. “Come on lad,” Thorin said quietly, taking the risk to wrap an arm around his nephew, "let’s get settled in." He gave Oin a nod and the four of them followed behind him silently.

Kíli let himself be led down the empty corridors by Thorin’s arm around his shoulder. In no way had he forgiven Thorin, there was far too much his Uncle had to answer for and although the apologies were all owed to Fíli he still blamed his Uncle for the illusion he had thrown over him that made him blind to his beloved brothers suffering. Yes, Kíli knew he still had every reason to be angry with his Uncle, but at the same time he was so emotionally exhausted, so drained of everything except for hope that his brother would be returned to him that he still craved the comfort the touch of another human being could bring.

The four followed Oin through the security doors and down the corridor to an unoccupied room where a nurse was in the process of removing the bed in preparation for Fíli’s to be brought in. Kíli spotted a comfortable looking armchair that had been next to the bed and slipped out from Thorin’s hold to go and curl up in it, determined to stay there until his brother was brought to him.

“Fíli is scheduled for an MRI after his surgery. Once that’s been done he’ll be brought in and hopefully they’ll have some answers for you. I’ll get some more chairs brought in for you.” Oin said before leaving them to the empty room.

“Well then,” Thorin said quietly, “I suppose we should get settled in.”


	7. Fate Has Revealed Her Hand

**A/N: Hello again everyone! Oh boy you're comments are awesome guys! I'm not going to say anything about this chapter as I don't want to give anything away, but I hope you guys enjoy it :)**

**Don't forget to add me on[Tumblr](http://filikilithorinforever.tumblr.com/), if you feel like it :P**

**Special thanks to[siberia1922](http://archiveofourown.org/users/siberia1922), [Melanthia13](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Melanthia13), [ninetiesnecklace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetiesnecklace), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Soniax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Soniax), [Schurmann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Schurmann), [sky_NoLimit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_NoLimit), [Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf) as well as 38 guests who've commented and kudosed, you guys are awesome!  **

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

It was well after midnight and all four men were in various stages of sleep as they waited for news. It had been several hours since they had been brought to the room and still they had had no word. Dwalin had left not long after settling in to pick up some clothing and take-away for them all, however they had all found that despite the time and the wait their appetites were almost non-existent.

Finally the door to the room opened at one in the morning to Tauriel, Oin and several other nurses wheeling a bed into the room quietly, Gandalf trailing along behind. Kíli jolted awake the moment the door opened and watched intently as the bed was rolled into place, his breath catching in his throat at the sight of the many bandages and tubes attached to his brother. By this stage Thorin, Balin and Dwalin had awoken and were waiting restlessly for someone to tell them what had been happening.

“Please doctor,” Kíli said in a whisper, unable to handle the silence any longer, “what’s happening to my brother?”

Gandalf sat in an unoccupied chair whilst Tauriel and Oin continued to hook Fíli into all the appropriate monitors. “His surgery was a relative success,” Gandalf said, focussing on Kíli intently “however his injuries were extensive. He suffered four broken and three fractured ribs, a broken collar bone, his pelvis was broken in three places, a dislocated knee, a broken wrist and his spine was fractured. He also suffered severe internal bleeding, his ribs pierced his lungs and his spleen ruptured.” Gandalf took a breath and held Kíli’s hand gently, his heart breaking at the renewed grief on the youngsters face.

“What concerns me the most is the blow to the back of the skull. After the surgery we had to wait a couple of hours to ensure he was stable before we could send him off for an MRI. We’re waiting on the results of the tests and should have answers in the next few hours, but I think it would be best to prepare for the fact that he might not wake up, or if he does, he won’t be who he once was.”

Kíli pulled his hand away to clasp one of his brothers limp hands in both of his own. “Fíli will be fine,” he said quietly as his eyes filled with tears. “He has to be.”

Gandalf let out a sigh but didn’t contradict the youngster. Instead he checked to ensure the nurses had finished hooking Fíli up to the respirator that would keep him breathing for the time being before he excused himself and left the room.

“You’ll be alright Fee,” Kíli said quietly “you’ll come back to me I just know it.” He stood and, being careful of the numerous wires connected to his brother’s body as well as the breathing tube in his mouth, pressed a kiss to his brothers’ forehead.

“I love you Fee.”

 

* * *

 

Sunrise had rolled around when Gandalf finally returned to the quiet room. The steady whoosh of the respirator had helped lull them all into an uneasy sleep, the thoughts of the possible outcomes racketing around their heads before one by one they dropped off in their chairs, Kíli positioned at an odd angle so his head could be as close to his brother’s as possible and their hands entwined.

Gandalf knocked on the door gently before stepping in, a folder containing the scans clutched tightly in his hand and a second doctor behind him. As they entered the inhabitants, save the one in the bed, began to stir and they all sat up quickly when they realised who had arrived.

“Are those the results?” Thorin asked immediately, uninterested in who the female was at Gandalf’s side.

“They are.” Gandalf said slowly, taking a deep breath before carrying on.

“I’m afraid the results aren’t good, according to the MRI and backed up by some preliminary tests we performed when he arrived, your nephew is brain dead Mr Oakenshield.”

Silence filled the room, only the rhythmic whoosh of the ventilator was heard.

“No” Kíli said quietly. “No he can’t be – he’s not- h-he…” Kíli’s breathing became rapid as tears began trickling down his cheeks; his hold on his brother’s hand was so strong his knuckles had begun to turn white.

Thorin turned pale, a single tear escaping his eye as he rushed over to his nephew and wrapped his arms around him, cradling the sobbing teenager in a loss of what else to do.

“Yer wrong,” Dwalin said quietly, his voice breaking “yer’ve got to have this all wrong.”

“I wish it were so, but the preliminary tests when he came in indicated that there was no longer any brain activity, and the EEG reading was flat. We will conduct another one around midday along with individual assessments that will be performed by myself and my colleague Dr Galadriel Evenstar to confirm or deny whether he is in fact brain dead.” Gandalf said gently.

“Couldn’t he be in a coma?” Balin asked tearily “perhaps you’ve got the two mixed up?”

Galadriel stepped forward, regret evident on her face. “If he were in a coma there would have been some sign of brain function such as pupil dilation or reflexive twitching in his fingers when we tested for it but I’m afraid there is none.”

Kíli let out a wail and tore himself out of Thorin’s hold to throw himself at his brother, wrapping his arms around him as best he could and burying his face in his brother’s neck. “No! No Fíli please, you have to wake up p-please! Don’t leave m-me, I need you... Fíli!”

“I’m so sorry,” Gandalf said, barely audible over the wailing from the young brunet, “we’ll give you some time alone.”


	8. Beneath The Stars

**A/N: Hello again everyone! Wow. So the previous chapter huh? A bit of a blow for everyone I think, it was incredibly hard to write and this wasn't any easier. I am truly sorry for any tears I caused, my advice now would be grab a massive block of chocolate, something to hug (preferably a Fili), tissues and place a "Do Not Disturb Or Fear For Your Life" sign on your door. One more chapter to go my friends. Hang in there.**

**Don't forget to check me out on Tumblr[here](http://filikilithorinforever.tumblr.com/)**

**Special shout out to[Miya04](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Miya04), [siberia1922](http://archiveofourown.org/users/siberia1922), [Melanthia13](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Melanthia13), [ninetiesnecklace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetiesnecklace), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Soniax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Soniax), [Schurmann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Schurmann), [sky_NoLimit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_NoLimit), [Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf) as well as the 39 guests who've commented and kudosed** _,_ **you guys are awesome!**

 

* * *

 

 _Brain dead_ , those two simple words reverberated through Kíli’s head ceaselessly. His brother, the one he looked up to and loved more than anything in the world was gone. He refused to be moved from his brother’s side after Gandalf’s diagnosis, fighting off and snarling at anyone who tried to remove him.

Fíli, the one who was meant to protect him, who had promised to remain by his side forever had left him,

And he would never come back.

The morning passed in a blur, Tauriel had come in to get an EEG reading, tears in her eyes as she did so. She had been friends with Fíli for years, and seeing him like this, knowing that she’d never get to see his smile again made her heart ache, as did looking at Kíli and seeing him curled up on the bed next to his brother, his arm across his waist and his face buried in his brothers neck. She and Oin had gone in at Gandalf’s request and shifted Fíli to the side of the bed, making enough room for Kíli to curl up with his brother and say goodbye, knowing it was the only comfort they could bring.

Kíli refused to move from his spot for most of the day, people’s coming and goings barely registering and only snippets of conversation making any sense to him. The pieces of conversation that he did understand however had him screaming at those who spoke,

_“…Should consider donating his organs…”_

_“…Funeral arrangements should be made…”_

_“…School needs to be informed…”_

_“…As his guardian Thorin, it’s your decision to switch off life support or have us do it…”_

Kíli screamed at them all each time, telling them that his brother had suffered enough and he refused to allow them to take any part of his brother from him, regardless of if it could save lives, and the decision to switch off the life support lay with him and him alone.

When Gandalf tried to tell Kíli that the guardian was the only one who could make that call Kíli gave him a look so feral as he explained in a barely controlled whisper that “Thorin has no right to be my brothers guardian, he’s neglected him for years and he will not be the one who is in charge of when that machine is switched off.”

And it was a decision that Thorin refused to dispute.

The only time Kíli allowed himself to leave his brothers side was when Galadriel and Gandalf came to do their individual assessments to confirm their diagnosis, and even then he was seated next to the bed watching intently. When both confirmed that there was no response Kíli climbed back onto the bed in a daze, any hope he’d had that they’d made a mistake was gone. Fíli was dead,

And it was time to say goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Thorin felt as though he was suffocating in his grief, how could fate be so cruel as to deny him the chance to make it up to his nephew? How could fate bring him so close to the chance to fix his mistakes only to wrench them from him just as quickly?

Fíli had died, and he would never know how sorry Thorin was.

He had been unable to look Kíli in the eye since the news had been given, always ensuring his nephew’s back was to him. He knew Kíli would blame him for this, and he knew he couldn’t handle any accusations thrown at him; not right now. Balin and Dwalin had stood next to him for some time, their hands on his shoulders to provide comfort and ground him in the present, neither saying anything for their grief was still too near.

When Gandalf had entered and began asking about Fíli being a donor and giving him the decision as to when the life support machines would be switched off he was almost relieved for Kíli’s interruption, it was the first time he had moved since laying on the bed next to his brother. Although what Kíli said hurt more than physical blows ever could, he knew that he had to do what was right by his nephews, both the living and the dead, and if Kíli refused to allow Fíli’s organs to be donated or informed them that he would be the one switching off the machine then he would abide by his wishes.

It was the least he could do.

 

* * *

 

Balin felt hollow inside, of all the outcomes they could have been given this was the last one he had expected. Gone was the blond boy who looked to him for guidance, or who read a book to him for the first time without help as a surprise on his birthday. Gone was the boy who was like a son to him, who brought joy to him and his brother when he re-enacted parts of the plays he’d been a lead in for the pure love of the story and the chance to show he could do something right.

He didn’t know what to feel, his world had changed and he’d never had a chance to tell Fíli just how proud he was of the man he was becoming, and now he never could.

He just hoped that Fíli had somehow already known.

 

* * *

 

Dwalin stood staring out the large window, a single tear track on his normally gruff face. The blond lad that he’d helped raise; that he sought out for his opinion on cars and motorbikes or just to chat was no longer there. He didn’t know what to think, or feel. How does one even try to understand what they should be thinking when they’ve just lost the closest thing to a son they have?

Emotions weren’t something he showed very often, in fact the only one who got to see anything other than a smile or anger was Balin and Fíli, and now here he was, looking out at a world that carried on merrily when his own had just turned grey. They’d all lost the sun in their lives, and this time it wouldn’t come back.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was a silent affair, everyone left to their own thoughts and dreading the arrival of the evening. Kíli at first didn’t want to let his brother go, he was still so warm that it was easy to pretend that he was just sleeping and would wake at some point yelling surprise and laughing at everything they had been put through.

But Kíli knew in his heart that it would never happen, and despite wanting to stay curled up with his brother forever he knew that it was cruel to prolong his brothers suffering, for although he was brain dead Kíli believed his spirit was still lingering and wouldn’t leave until Kíli decided it was ok.

Kíli had instructed the doctors in a dead voice to come back at eight thirty to shut the machines off. He wanted Fíli’s final moments to be on his terms, not theirs, and he knew exactly how he wanted his final moments with his brother to go. At eight fifteen Kíli removed himself from his brothers bed reluctantly and went to the bathroom, wanting nothing to distract him or make him leave his brothers side again.

He made his way back to the room and moved to the wall of windows, looking out at the night sky. Despite all the pain and grief he couldn’t help but smile up at the stars that shone there. It was a clear night, the opposite of what he was feeling inside. He turned around to find Thorin, Balin and Dwalin standing near Fíli’s bed and watching him sadly, and he knew that he should give them all a chance to say goodbye, no matter how hard it was to leave his brothers side.

“It’s time Kíli.” Thorin said softly.

Kíli nodded and headed back to the door. “I'll leave you to say your goodbyes.” He mumbled before exiting the room. Thorin and Dwalin followed him out, leaving Balin alone.

“Oh Fíli,” Balin said softly, running a gentle hand over the blond hair. “I’m so sorry lad. I never wanted this for you; I never wanted to see you like this. I-” Balin choked back a sob “I’d always hoped to see you happy one day, truly happy doing what you loved. I hope that where ever you go you find your mother, and you find peace.” Balin pressed a gentle kiss to Fíli’s forehead, keeping his forehead resting on Fíli’s temple he whispered “goodbye my son.” Before turning and leaving the room, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

Dwalin entered next, already fighting back tears as he laid eyes on Fíli once more. He stood next to the bed and held one of Fíli’s hands gently in his own, chewing on his lip as he tried to find the right words to say. “Lad, you mean more to me than I think I ever let you know. You’re the one I looked to for a different opinion; you’re the one I sought out when I was feeling down. You and Kíli are like sons to me, and I know that I will miss you with all my heart. I’m so sorry lad.” He whispered, pressing a lingering kiss to Fíli’s forehead before rubbing his eyes harshly, trying to rid himself of his tears as he left the room.

Thorin was the last one to enter the room. At first he didn’t want to, because what do you say to a child that you wanted to beg forgiveness from but were too late to do so? He made his way to the bed slowly, swallowing the bile that rose as he looked at his nephew. Fíli looked so small against the pillows, his blond hair laying limp around his head and yet despite all the pain and grief he had caused his nephew his face was peaceful, as though the weight of the world had fallen away.

“Fíli, I’m so so sorry” Thorin whispered. “This is all my fault. All my anger, all my hate for your father I let manifest and I turned it towards you. Never have I regretted anything more than the way I treated you and for that I am forever sorry.” Thorin closed his eyes and bowed his head, “If I could do anything to take it all back, to fix the damage that I have done I would. But I can’t and for that I am so, so sorry. I swear on your mother’s grave I will look out for your brother, he will never be alone.”

Thorin wiped away the solitary tear that had fallen from his eye, and leant down to press a kiss to Fíli’s forehead. As he was doing so he realised that it was the first time he had ever shown physical affection to his golden haired nephew, and he couldn’t help the small sob that escaped his lips. It was just another thing that he could never change.

He moved away from the bed and towards the door, giving Kíli a small nod to indicate he was done. Kíli surged into the room and hurried to the bed, pressing his forehead against his brothers tenderly. “Sorry for being gone so long Fee,” he whispered quietly. He looked up at the Doctors, nurses and his family that had entered.

“It is time, Kíli.” Gandalf said quietly.

Kíli took a steadying breath and nodded “we’re doing this my way. Fíli deserves the best and that’s what I plan on giving him.”

 

* * *

 

Under Kíli’s instruction the chairs were moved away from the window, and the bed and machines were moved over so that the head of the bed could be placed up against the window with the stars shining down on them. Everyone watched as Kíli went and turned the lights off and drew the curtains across the doors, plunging the room into darkness before moving back and curling up around his brother. He wrapped an arm around Fíli’s waist and held one of his hands in his own, ensuring that he could give his brother all the comfort he could before saying goodbye for the last time.

The stars shone down on them and bathed them all in a soft light. “I know h-how m-much you love the stars Fee, it’s o-only right you go t-t-to sleep b-b-beneath them, one l-l-last time.” Kíli whispered, sobbing quietly into his brother’s neck.

He lifted his head and weakly nodded at Gandalf, who took his cue and moved forwards, removing the breathing tube from Fíli’s mouth.

“I l-l-love you F-Fee. Now go, go w-walk amongst the s-stars. Be f-free.”

The heart monitor continued as normal for three more beats before it eventually trailed off into a flat line.

Gandalf switched the monitor off, the sobbing from the bed the only noise in the room and it cut through him, and everyone else in the room, like a knife.

“Time of death,” he said quietly “eight thirty five pm.”


	9. He Walks in Starlight

**A/N: Hello everyone! So final chapter, wow what a journey! Not sure whether I'm completely happy with the first three parts of this but it's difficult writing a final chapter for a story, especially for one as emotional as this! When I wrote this there were several things I wanted to cover and have happen with certain characters so I apologise if it appears to be a bit random for some people, all the paragraphs aside from the last one happen in the first four days and I believe they're quite important as we learn a lot of important things about Fili.**

**I just want to say thank you for sticking with me on what was a roller coaster of emotions, I knew what I wanted to happen right from the beginning but writing it was a whole other ball game entirely, talk about emotionally draining! O.o So well done for sticking with it!**

**I have also been thinking about doing an alternate ending, only if it's something you'd like to see! So if you do let me know :)**

**A HUGE thank you and special shout out to[Miya04](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Miya04), [siberia1922](http://archiveofourown.org/users/siberia1922), [Melanthia13](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Melanthia13), [ninetiesnecklace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetiesnecklace), [Daisyjayne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyjayne), [Soniax](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Soniax), [Schurmann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Schurmann), [sky_NoLimit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_NoLimit), [Nori_getashovel (vlh114)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vlh114), [Dreaming_Sarana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Sarana), [MeanKittyArchimedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanKittyArchimedes), [Finduilas88](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas88), [makarra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/makarra), [kagetenshi8191](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kagetenshi8191), [ThornyHedge](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyHedge), [cybersuzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cybersuzy), [Bubbles759](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbles759), [thebattleofthefivearmies](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattleofthefivearmies), [Astaraiche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Astaraiche), [MatildaJohnson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaJohnson), [Bofur1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1), and [WerewulfTherewulf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf) as well as the 42 guests who've commented and kudosed. You guys are amazing!**

**Once again thank you for reading!**

**The soundtrack for this whole story is Coldplay's "Fix You" but the funeral scene is Sam Smiths "Stay With Me" (The chorus especially when they're walking away)**

**Now! Onto continuing to write In Our Time Apart! :)**

**As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien**

 

* * *

 

Kíli had been allowed to lay with Fíli until he was cold, after that Balin and Dwalin had gently removed him from the bed. Kíli had been too exhausted to put up a fight but it didn’t stop him from crying out for his brother as they led him from the room for the last time.

No one had spoken a word the whole drive home, too devastated from having to say goodbye, and the moment the front door was unlocked Kíli ran up the stairs and locked himself in Fíli’s room.

“You can stay the night, if you like.” Thorin said quietly to his two friends, who read his meaning underneath:  _please don’t leave._

 

* * *

 

Kíli stood in the middle of Fíli’s dimly lit room and looked around with tears in his eyes. Everything was as he remembered; bed made messily with Fíli’s laptop on top, easel in the corner with canvases surrounding it, camera on the desk, pictures and drawings tacked to the walls and various pieces of clothing scattered around the room. It had been a couple of weeks since he’d set foot in the room, too busy with his new friends and training to bother to stop by and see what his brother was doing, and now he’d never get the chance to watch his brother create something breath taking again.

He walked forward and sat on the edge of Fíli’s bed, fingers clenching the fabric beneath them as he looked around the room and pictured his brother moving about the room as he worked, talking rapidly about his latest project with a smile on his face. Kíli blinked away a tear as his fingers collided with something solid. He looked down and spotted Fíli’s art book lying there near the closed laptop; it was as though Fíli had been working and left in the middle of whatever he was doing the night before. It was then that Kíli realised that that was exactly what had happened.

Fíli had gone to get him.

With a broken sob Kíli scooped up the drawing pad and hugged it to his chest, hunching over as he allowed the tears that should have run out by now to flow free. He threw himself on the bed and buried his face in Fíli’s pillow, allowing his brothers scent to flow through him as his body trembled with his grief.

Eventually Kíli’s breathing evened out and he lay there quietly, his breath hitching occasionally and eyes blotchy from the many tears that had left him over the last few days. His fingers were aching from clutching the sketch pad so tightly that he set it down on the bed, flexing his fingers before trailing them across the cover lightly.

Despite the grief Kíli was curious; he’d never looked inside his brothers sketch book before. He sat up on the bed and pulled on Fíli’s hoodie that had been dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the mattress before opening to the first page.

There was no drawing, or painting, not even a photograph. Instead the front page only had two beautifully written words.

 

_For Kíli_

 

Kíli frowned in confusion. The book that Fíli never let out of his sight, that he was always working on in his spare time, it was for him?

Kíli turned to the second page and felt his breath catch in his throat. It was a drawing of their parents on their wedding day, something he had only seen pictures of as he’d been a baby at the time. But there was an added addition to the drawing, it was him being held by their mother and Fíli on their father’s hip, all four of them waving. Dís looked as beautiful as he remembered; her chocolate locks cascading down her shoulders with a flower crown resting on her head, and the soft light behind them all made it look as though they were glowing. Kíli trailed his fingertips over the drawing in awe at what his brother had recreated.

Every page was a beautiful drawing or painting about him or their parents; Kíli learning to ride a bike, Kíli running with a rugby ball tucked under his arm, Kíli on their fathers lap reading together, Fíli showing Kíli how to build a sandcastle, Kíli wearing an oversized shirt whilst Dís hung up the washing, Kíli cuddled up with the kitten Pickles. Kíli was in awe over every drawing he laid eyes on, it was as though Fíli had randomly plucked moments out of time and eternalised them on paper, just for him.

The last drawing in the book had a sheet of paper attached to the bottom with a note from Fíli. Kíli stifled a sob as he looked at the drawing that had been taped into place. It was a double page drawing set at night with the two of them when they were younger. A fire was crackling in the background, the room that had been drawn bathed in a soft light from the fire. Fíli and Kíli were on the floor in front of the fire place, Kíli curled up in Fíli’s lap as Fíli read to him with his arms wrapped tightly around the brunet.

Kíli bit his lip as he studied the picture, ensuring no stray tears fell onto the page and smudged the colours. He looked at the note underneath to read what his brother had written to him.

 

_Kíli,_

_Happy birthday Kee. I know we didn’t get a lot of family pictures growing up but I thought this might be a nice substitute, and I think there’s something nicer about having them drawn, makes them more personal y’know?_

_Anyway I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. You’re growing up to be an incredible person and I wanted to tell you that you are the best little brother I could have ever asked for._

_No matter where I go, no matter the distance,_

_You will always be in my heart._

_Love you Kee_

_Fíli xoxo_

 

Kíli squeezed his eyes shut against the fresh wave of tears, breathing heavily through his nose as he tried to calm his heart. It was as though Fíli had expected something to happen, expected to leave before Kíli’s birthday and this was his way to say he was still looking out for him. Kíli couldn’t help but smile softly at the photo as his bottom lip trembled; Fíli had found a way to make sure he was never alone, and had given his own goodbye.

He folded the letter back into the book and closed it gently, and as he buried his face in the pillow once more and cried himself to sleep, hugging the book to his chest for it was a treasure that he would never part from. 

 

* * *

 

The day after they switched Fíli’s life support off Dwalin had gone into work to tell his boss he’d be taking time off, that he’d just lost the closest thing to a son he had and he needed some time. His boss had been horrified to learn Fíli had passed away, fond of the friendly yet quiet blond who helped design patterns for cars and even tattoos in his spare time. Thankful that his boss was a compassionate being Dwalin climbed back into his pickup and headed back home. On the way he noticed a familiar figure walking towards the park, a bag slung over his hunched shoulders and a black hoodie wrapped around him for comfort.

Dwalin pulled into the parking lot at the park and hurried over.

“Kíli!” He called, jogging to catch up with the brunet who quickened his pace without turning back.

“Kíli hold up!”

He placed a hand on Kíli’s shoulder and spun him round, his heart falling at the bloodshot eyes that locked with his own.

“Oh lad…” Dwalin said softly as he led the sobbing brunet to an empty bench.

“I can’t stay Dwalin!” Kíli whimpered as he avoided Dwalin’s eyes.

“What happened lad?” Dwalin asked, concern flooding his voice.

“Thorin! He- I just- Argh!” Kíli screamed in frustration as he pulled at his hair.

Dwalin’s eyes widened in alarm and he pried Kíli’s hands from his hair and held them in his own. “What about yer Uncle kiddo?”

“Every time I l-look at him I just want to- I can’t forgive him for what he did to F-Fíli! I know he r-regrets it but I just w-want to hit him so b-bloody h-hard!” Kíli burst into renewed tears.

“I t-thought I’d be o-ok y’know?” he gasped out, “b-but it hurts D-Dwalin, w-why does it h-hurt so m-much?”

“Yer just lost your brother lad, yer other half. Nobody expects yer to be ok straight away. It’s ok to grieve.” Dwalin said soothingly as he wrapped Kíli in a hug.

“I know it’s hard right now, but blaming yer Uncle and yerself won’t change anything, no matter how much you might wish it could. Him, me, Balin, we’re the only family you have left. We have to stick together; it’s what Fíli would want.”

Kíli clutched onto Dwalin’s arm as he tried to regain some control. “Iwannatattoo” he eventually mumbled into Dwalin’s shirt.

“What was that lad?”

Kíli sat up straighter and took a deep breath. “I want a tattoo Dwalin.” He said determinedly, the occasional stray tear still trickling down his face.

“Lad I don’t think-”

“Dwalin,” Kíli said angrily, a fire in his bloodshot eyes. “I Want. A Tattoo. If you don’t help me get one then I will find someone who brought a tattoo gun online and I’ll get them to do it.”

Confused at the sudden change in topic and demeanour but not wanting Kíli to put himself at risk with an unsterile artist Dwalin sighed as he looked Kíli up and down, and deciding he was completely serious he nodded wearily.

“Aye lad. I’ll take yer to get a tattoo done.”

After much bargaining and discussion Kíli walked out of the tattoo parlour with Fíli’s name tattooed over his heart, a sword above it to show bravery and a warrior’s spirit, and a Celtic knot beneath to symbolise their bond as brothers.

Dwalin had dropped Kíli off home and returned an hour later with a bag packed after collecting a few items from his own place at Thorin’s request. He walked in to find Kíli had dyed a large strip of hair on the left side of his head blond, so that when it hung down it would lay directly over his heart. Thorin hadn’t been too pleased about it or the tattoo but didn’t say anything; it was Kíli’s way of honouring his brother and he wouldn’t deny him that.

 

* * *

 

Balin had called the school the evening after Fíli had passed away to tell them what had happened, and that aside from collecting his brothers belongings from the school Kíli wouldn’t be going back for the foreseeable future. 

The principle of the school, a friendly yet stern man by the name of Bofur who was loved by all the students was horrified at the news; he’d always had a soft spot for the blond, talking to him often about new art ideas for the school, brainstorming ideas for the end of year book and even supporting and encouraging him to put his name forward for well-known photography and art companies.

 _“I’m so sorry,”_  Bofur said over the phone,  _“please extend my condolences to your family.”_

“I will,” Balin assured him “Fíli spoke often of your conversations for his art projects. You were a good friend of his.”

 _“Thank you,”_  Bofur said quietly, touched to think the normally quiet blond had considered him a friend.  _“I’ll make an announcement to the students tomorrow.”_

Kíli, Thorin, Balin and Dwalin all went to the school the next day to collect Fíli’s belongings. Bofur and Bifur; the vice principle and Bofur’s cousin met them at the gate, sombre expressions on their normally cheerful faces.

“Oh lad,” Bofur said quietly to Kíli “I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother was a wonderful person and we’re all going to miss him terribly.” 

Kíli gave Bofur a weak smile before they all followed Bofur and Bifur to an office where all of Fíli’s belongings had been taken to. Kíli was confused when Bofur changed course to the school’s auditorium, and felt his mouth go dry when he saw why they were there. All the students from the school were gathered outside, a lit candle in their hands and watching them quietly. A huge memorial to Fíli had been set up against one of the walls; flowers, candles, photos and notes had been left there for the blond. Kíli’s lip quivered as he stepped forward and crouched down in front of the memorial.

Kíli had always had the impression that his brother spent a lot of time alone, that he hadn’t had many friends at the school and that because Fíli was shy it had led to some nasty rumours about his brother no matter how badly Kíli had tried to change them. But with each letter he read Kíli realised then that there was so much about his brother he had never known; like how Fíli was the one who always took the photos for the school and end of year books (they never ceased to be beautiful), designed posters and signs for the school’s sports and drama groups and had designed the murals that had recently been put up around the school.

It was there he learnt that every photo, every piece of art his brother had taken or made was signed with F.D. He had initialled all his art as Fíli Durin, not Fíli Oakenshield despite Thorin changing their last name so many years ago; it was how Fíli had kept his involvement secret the whole time.

But it wasn’t the artistic side of his brother that stood out; it was how caring he had been for so many students. Many letters spoke of how Fíli had helped them out in many aspects of their lives; he was a shoulder to lean on for students who were having a hard time, he offered advice when a student didn’t know who to talk to and he looked after students who were struggling academically despite his own disability. Without people knowing Fíli had looked after so many students quietly and it seemed that although those same people insulted him out loud, secretly he was considered a friend by many.

And it was clear all of them regretted never telling him so.

They had collected Fíli’s belongings and left quietly, but not before handing over a USB full of the pictures and videos Fíli had been planning on using for the school. It was when he was getting those off Fíli’s laptop that Kíli had found a video his brother had been putting together for him, another birthday present it appeared yet this time it had a voice over; a permanent way for him to hear Fíli’s voice for the rest of his life.

That had once again put Kíli in tears, but after playing it several times he placed it on his own laptop, and every night for the rest of his life before he went to sleep Kíli would watch it, knowing that somewhere his brother was watching over him.

 

* * *

 

The funeral took place four days after Fíli had died; giving them the chance to arrange everything and notify everyone important. It took place outside, just before sunset with all their neighbours and family friends gathered to say their final farewells. Thorin had kept it simple yet elegant as the one thing he knew about his nephew was that he had always appreciated the simpler things in life. Everyone had a story about Fíli; how he had helped design and paint all of the kids rooms in the street, how he was always helping Mrs Cotton, one of their elderly neighbours with her garden or general chores or how he was at Tauriel’s and Bard’s house every week baking and helping make toys or pictures for the children's ward at the hospital.

Kíli was once again learning that there was more to his brother than he had imagined, and it made him wish more than anything that he'd taken more time to talk to his brother than what he had. Eventually it was Thorin's turn to speak. He’d spent the last day agonising over whether he should deliver a speech or not; he wanted to, but he had no idea how Kíli would react. Eventually Dwalin had grabbed his shoulder and told him sternly, “this is your last chance to say goodbye. Don't lie, don't be extravagant, just tell him your sorry.”

So that's what Thorin did. He stood up and moved to the front and took a deep breath, sneaking a glance Kíli’s tear stained face before speaking.

“I was never a great Uncle to Fíli,” he began. “Instead of loving him as my own son like I should have done I blamed and punished him for something he had no control over. Never have I acted more wrong. I have learnt more about Fíli over the last few days than I have since I’ve known him; I’ve learnt about the kind, generous and loving person he was despite the many hardships he’s experienced throughout his life. And no matter how much he’s struggled, or thought badly of himself, if I know one thing for sure, more than anything in my life it’s that Fíli loved his little brother with every fibre of his being. Kíli was his world, and he would always put his brother before himself just as he has done for so many here. This is a trait, along with so many others I overlooked. If I had just stopped and looked at him I would have seen what a kind and incredible person he was becoming. The night Fíli died I had some sense knocked into me, and when I finally realised what I had done wrong it was too late. I will never get the chance to make it up to Fíli, to tell him I’m sorry and repair our broken relationship. But I urge each and every one of you to go home tonight and remind those important to you that you love them because you may not get a second chance. I made that mistake; don’t let yourselves follow in my footsteps.”

Thorin sat down quietly, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He had admitted his biggest failure and he prayed it was something he could one day redeem himself for. After a pause Kíli took a deep breath and stood up, making his way slowly to the microphone as he ran his fingertips over the coffin lightly. He wet his lips before speaking, his voice wavering slightly as he did so.

“How does one say goodbye? How does one say goodbye to their childhood hero, their slayer of bad dreams, their constant sunlight, their best friend, their brother? I've been asking myself this question since finding out I had lost him forever. Does time make it easier? Does it heal a broken heart? There has always been a constant in my life, and that was Fíli. But now he's not here anymore I have to learn to go on, I have to find my own way in life knowing that he is no longer at my side.” Kíli sniffed and wiped away the tears in his eyes. He looked up to find everyone looking back at him, tears falling down all their faces.

“I love you Fee, and I hope wherever you are in amongst the stars you will always know that. You are my guiding light, and I will never forget you.”

Fíli's coffin was adorned with flowers before it was lowered, only Kíli, Thorin, Balin and Dwalin stayed to see it at their request. Kíli pressed a kiss to his hand before placing it on the tombstone, letting his hand linger momentarily before Thorin wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led the way from the graveyard, the freshly covered grave and the tombstone with a message the only indication to where Kíli's heart had been buried.

 

_Fíli,_

_A hero, a helper, a warrior._

_My idol, my sun, my best friend,_

_My brother._

 

* * *

 

***

 

****

 

_15 years later_

 

“Come on sweetheart.”

“Where’s daddy?”

“He’s outside baby, let’s go see him yeah?”

“Ok.”

Rose took her daughter's hand and led her out onto the porch. For a two and a half year old Dís was developing an independent streak a mile wide which was both endearing and infuriating at the same time. Thankfully she was happy for her mother to lead her outside for the time being; it probably had something to do with the fact it was night as Dís, although independent, was still afraid of the dark.

Rose knew exactly where to find her loving husband as although they were living in the country which had plenty of places to hide; Kíli's favourite spot was the large oak tree off to the side of the house.

She led Dís down the stairs and across the yard, looking up at the stars as she went. Since meeting Kíli ten years ago on their OE's in Europe this day every year was a sombre one for the normally bubbly brunet with the streak of blond in his hair. Eventually she had learned that his older brother had been killed by a car when Kíli was thirteen. At first he would go quiet every time she tried to get him to open up about him, but after they had been together for three years she reminded Kíli that his brother deserved more than being kept a secret, that he was a part of Kíli and talking about him kept him alive.

Kíli hadn't held back any details after that; he showed her the video he watched every night, the pictures Fíli had drawn (and that Kíli had had scanned then framed, the original book kept safe in his office) the photos that he had taken; anything his brother had done Kíli had shared. And Fíli’s story. Kíli didn't leave a single detail out about his brother, including Thorin's treatment of him and how he died.

When Rose first found out she struggled to understand how the kind and caring man who she had come to love as a second father could have treated a child in such a way. But Kíli helped her work past it; he had laid any blame he held against Thorin to rest a long time ago, after all he didn't have a lot of family left and he didn't want to push away those that remained.

Thorin had sat down with Rose when he learned that she knew and she came away with a new understanding of her second father; he had had a hard time moving past his grief of the death of his sister, and instead of dealing with it he placed the blame on Fíli. It wasn't right and it was something he regretted every day since, but all he could hope to do was to live the rest of his life in honour of his blond nephew.

Rose heard Kíli humming softly as they appeared around the tree. Kíli had made a nest of pillows and blankets against the base of the trunk and was snuggled into it, leaning back as he gazed up at the stars.

Her lips twitched up into a small smile as she recognised the tune, _the Misty Mountains_ , a song Kíli’s mother used to sing to him when he was little and something he asked Thorin to teach him when she had fallen pregnant.

The small bundle on Kíli’s chest shifted slightly and Kíli ran his hand gently over it to help settle it.

“Shh Fíli, its ok baby daddy’s here.” Kíli murmured softly, planting a soft kiss on the golden curls.

Fíli squirmed again until he had buried his face in his father’s neck, letting out a little sigh as he dropped off to sleep once more. Kíli rested his head against Fíli’s swaying gently as he listened to his son's steady breathing. At three months old Fíli was already the spitting image of his predecessor; blond hair, blue eyes and adorable smiles when he could manage. He was very much Kíli's baby however, always seeking his father out when he was in the room and preferred to be put to sleep by Kíli rather than Rose, not that she minded though as she knew her husband needed this Fíli to ease the pain of losing his own.

“Hey,” Rose whispered softly, running her hand through her daughter’s hair as Dís snuck forward to cuddle into her father’s side.

“Hello my darlings” Kíli whispered as he pressed a kiss to Dís’ forehead before grinning up at his wife.

“What are you doing out here daddy?” Dís asked quietly. She knew she had to keep quiet whenever Fíli was asleep, mama and daddy had told her so.

“I’m saying hello to Fíli,” Kíli told her, smiling down at his daughter.

“Fíli’s here daddy,” Dís said with a giggle as she patted her brothers blond curls.

“I know sweetheart. But you see daddy had a brother named Fíli, just like you.”

“Like me?” Dís asked excitedly. “Was he your baby brother? Like my Fíli?”

Kíli laughed. “No my sweet, I was his baby brother.”

“Oh,” Dís said with a small thoughtful frown “Where is he now?”

Kíli pointed at the stars with his free hand “He’s up there, somewhere” He said softly.

“Why’s he there?”

Kíli couldn’t help but smirk in amusement at his wife: children, always straight to the point.

“Well,” he hummed thoughtfully as he lightly ran a hand over the back of his sons head, “because they needed his help. They needed someone loving and friendly and kind to help look after everyone up there and he was the best person for it.” Despite the years that had passed he felt his throat seize up slightly at the thought of his brother.

“Is he coming back?” Dís asked quietly, cutting through his thoughts.

“No sweetheart he’s not,” he replied sadly. “He’s waiting up there for me to join him one day.”

“I’m sorry daddy,” Dís told him quietly, wrapping her small arms around her father as much as possible.

“It’s ok baby.” She had Fíli’s personality, kind and caring, always concerned about others. It hurt to think that his brother would never have a chance to meet his children, or they him. He looked up just as a shooting star passed overhead, giving Kíli an idea.

“Did you know your Uncle Fíli was a hero?” He asked his daughter quietly.

Dís’ eyes widened as she shook her head.

“Would you like me to tell you a story about him?”

She nodded eagerly, going willingly when Rose picked her up to sit in her lap so she herself could cuddle up to her husband and be near her son.

“Well,” Kíli began to his little family as he looked up at the stars

“Once upon a time there was a boy named Fíli...”


End file.
